Expression is an essential ingredient to our own inner alchemy from sexual trauma.
Expression because our body is going to want to detox to release everything that it has suppressed.
And when I say everything, I do not mean that it will arise in one big go and become overwhelming and re~ traumatise us.
We can take our alchemy gently and tenderly and move into a relationship of being able to listen and witness.
Expression is a very big part of that because it may have been that during our trauma we did not have the ability to express or the freedom to express. Or we just did not have the words, the language.
One of the things that I explored was art. Children use art, to express the unexpressable. Because children do not have the words to be able to tell us how they are feeling or even what happened.
As adults if our trauma happened when we were a child or sometimes when we have a feeling, that is just so overwhelming that we cannot find a word for it, we can get choked up on our own language.
On our own vocabulary.
So I began to communicate with the child that believed the trauma was still happening, I began to communicate with the child that was hurt and was able to approach her from the space of now being an adult, that could hold a space and listen to my internal child.
Art was a beautiful and deeply enriching way of connecting with a child that was still existing on a parallel level to me that just did not have the words for what had happened to her, and the words to express how that was feeling.
Often when I created a safe space with the wounded parts of my self there would be an overwhelming emotion and rather than suppressing it, I would give it a space to come up through art.
I would prepare some paper, A huge space of paper on the floor and with some coloured bottles of paint around me. I would close my eyes and connect with that emotion.
An emotion is a feeling that is old. It is a feeling that we felt at that time, that has become stagnant and become an emotion.
I would not choose the paint with my vision. My eyes were closed so that my choices were not coming from my head and just move my hands over the bottles of paint and my hand would select a bottle, then I would tip the paint onto my hands.
I did not use a paintbrush, so there was no obstruction between the emotion and the paint. Simply the emotion meeting the paint, meeting the paper.
And with the paint covered on my hands, I would just allow it to come out.
It wasn’t that I was making art.
I was not making something pretty to go on the fridge door or to go on the wall. It was not about approval, validation or it even having to look like something.
It would be a huge mess, like a toddler’s painting. But all of a sudden an emotion that I would have no words for would be out on paper then, from it being out of me and visible, I would be able to truly understand truly have heard the pain that was still existing within my emotions, with in my body mind.
That was very freeing. A wonderful release.
I would attend to and meet these parts of me every day. That was important. Trust in myself that I was going to attend to these emotions, attend to my body mind, attend to my trauma every day.
That I was going to show up for myself.
Another wonderful way of expression I found was Clay.
Not to determine what it was going to look like. Again, I was not going to create an object or a masterpiece, but bringing in sensual experience moving the clay … feeling the emotion as it spoke to the clay.
And when I would open my eyes, I would have an understanding of what this part of me was trying to communicate and express.
I created a language.
I created a language that helped me and supported me to explore and and understand so much, that actually my mind could not remember because it had been so disassociated.
Writing was also a great channel. A great expression for me once I had moved beyond the unexpressable. It gave me space to voice that which at the time to I could not. That was very liberating.
What we are doing when we are expressing something that has become so internalised, is creating space for something new to come in .
When our bodies are so full of trauma and suppression everything is so tight. It almost feels like there is no room, there is no flexibility, no flow, no movement for anything to move, to arise from that, to change.
Our expression is truly a meeting of our emotions.
A meeting of our trauma. An understanding.
It Is a language.
An ability to meet oneself and show up for oneself.
But it is also an ability to be able to create space in our own body.
Our poor bodies suppress so much for so long they want to clear. They want to release what happened, so they can be more in the present moment, of what is happening.